I will be brief.  Because the truth is so simple it will fit into a
30-second sound bite on all networks!
#9
Don't panic. There's always welfare.
#11
Earth: Handle With Care
#13
Everybody likes surprises, but not the kind that come from improperly
maintained electrical equipment.
#14
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.
#15
Fire!  The untamed element, oldest of man's mysteries.  Giver of warmth,
destroyer of forests.  Right now this building is on fire!  Yes, the
building is on fire.  Leave the building.  Enact the age old drama of
self preservation.
#16
First I was a hippie, then I was a stockbrocker, now I am a hippie again.
#18
Response to a wildfire on the south of France's Cote d'Azur was
billed as a marvel of modern fire-fighting technology. Two specially-built
flying boats zoomed in, skimmed the waters of the Mediterranean, scooping
vast amounts of water into their belly tanks, and then dropped the water
on the hillside fire. All was jolly and the wine flowed freely until a
body was found in the ashes.

The coroner found that the gentleman had apparently fallen from a
great height, suffering serious injuries before being burned to death.
The report further noted that the victim was wearing a bathing suit,
snorkel, and swim fins.
#
He stands... like some kind of pagan god or deposed tyrant... staring
out over the city he's sworn... to stare out over...
#20
I seem to suffer from irrelevant flashbacks.
#27
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
#28
It's dangerous! On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd rank it as "Ghengis Kahn on a
bad hair day"
#30
Jake liked his women the way he liked kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed
yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair.
			-Entry to Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
			 (The Dark and Stormy Night Contest)
#32
He's a nanotheist. He believes God exists, but is very, very small.
#33
Newmerica is here and will operate on two basic fundamentals:
  1) Make everything illegal
  2) Enforce as needed
#34
Once again the nasal passages of the city have been cleared of the foul
mucus of evil.  Now people can breathe freely, and smell the lilacs.
#36
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly 
proportional to time spent on the road.  Driving fast decreases one's 
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds 
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
#37
Rosencrantz:	"England?  I don't believe it!"           
Guildenstern:	"What, just a conspiracy of cartographers?"    
#38
See no Elvis. Hear no Elvis. Sing no Elvis.
#52
Sometimes I get the feeling that Schrodinger wasn't really a cat lover.
#53
Sorry, my mind went to Bermuda for a minute.
#54
Thank goodness.  This reinforces my simplistic world view!
#55
Thanks for coming, everybody.  You've been a great laugh track.
#56
The great thing about being a super hero is you never know what each day
may bring.  One day you you may be wrestling sharks half way around the
world, the next you may be going down to the drug store for a lozenge.
But in the face of it all, you gotta ride that wave.  You gotta suck
that lozenge.  Cause if you don't do it, who will?
#58
The more I sort it out, the more it gets distorted.
I sort of think I'm better off just leaving it unsorted.
#59
The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the end in an
awful hurry.
#60
There are two heads of science.  There's the good head.  It brings us
things like asprin!  But the other head; oh, beware the other head.
It's evil, and it bites!
#61
This message is strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
#62
Villains *always* make antidotes.  They're funny that way.
#63
We have nothing to fear but fear itself.  And big, scaly monsters.
#64
We won't beat you up, but we may taunt you till you cry.
#65
Where do you find a frog without any legs? Where you left him.
#66
Who'd ever think it; such a squalid little ending.
#68
He has the personality of a dial tone.
#72
You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to get an apartment in this
city, especially if you're a hideous alien bent on world domination.
#73
So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you're asking
for. There are 365 days per year. There are 52 weeks per year in which
you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for
work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used
up 170 days, leaving 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day
on coffee brea, accounting for 23 days each year. This leaves only 68
days. With a one hour lunch per day, you have used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per
year on sick leave, which leaves only 20 days. We are off for 5
holidays per year, so you're down to 15 days. We generously give you
14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 work day left in the
year and there's not a chance you're going to take that day off!
#
Plane Geometry

'Twas Euclid, and the theorem pi
Did plane and solid in the text,
All parallel were the radii,
And all the ang-gulls convex'd.

"Beware the Wentworth-Smith, my son,
And the Loci that vacillate;
Beware the Axiom, and shun
The faithless Postulate."

He took his Waterman in hand;
Long time the proper proof he sought;
Then rested he by the XYZ
And sat a while in thought.

And as in inverse thought he sat
A brilliant proof, in lines of flame,
All neat and trim, it came to him.
Tangenting as it came.

"AB, CD," reflected he-
The Waterman went snicker-snack-
He Q. E. D.-ed, and, proud indeed,
He trapezoided back.

And hast thou proved the 29th?
Come to my arms, my radius boy!
O good for you! O one point two!"
He rhombused in his joy.

'Twas Euclid and the theorem pi
Did plane and solid in the text;
All parallel were the radii,
And all the ang-gulls convex'd.
#
Please do not annoy, afflict, aggrivate, irk, pester, plague,
perplex, persecute, badger, beset, bother, bullyrag, displease,
disquiet, distress, disturb, tantalize, trouble, torment, tease,
harry, heckle, harass, grate, grieve, cross, vex, worry, ruffle,
nettle, or molest the animals.
			-The Management
#
	Office Hours
Open most days about 9 or 10
Occasionally as early as 7,
But some days as late as 12 or 1.
We close about 5:30 or 6
Occasionally about 4 or 5, but
Sometimes as late as 11 or 12.
Some days or afternoons, we
Aren't here at all, and lately
I've been here just about all the time,
Except when I'm someplace else,
But I should be here then, too.
#
				Man Of Letters
	In a letter to The Economist, M. J. Shields, of Jarrow, England, points
out that George Bernard Shaw, among others, urged spelling reform, suggesting
that one letter be altered or deleted each year, thus giving the populace time
to absorb the change. Shields writes:
	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be
replaced by either "k" or "s," and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might well reform "w"
spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take on the same konsonant, while
Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i," and Iear 4 might fiks the
"g-j" anomili wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear, with
Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
modifaiing vowlz and rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Ier 15 or sou,
it wud fainali bi posibl tu meil ius ov thi ridandant letez "c," "y" and "x"
--bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez --tu replais "ch," "sh"
and "th" rispektivili.
	Fainali, xen, aaft sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. Haweve, sins xe
Wely, xe Airiy, and xe Skots du not spik Ingliy, xei wud hev to hev a speling
siutd to xer oun lengwij. Xei kud, haweve, orlweiz lern Ingliy az a sekond
lengwij et skuul!
					Iorz feixfuli,
					M. J. Yilz.
#
Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And
and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if quotation
marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And,
and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well
as after Chips?
#
Cool Job Titles

Aesthetic Consultant	("That sucks!" or "Cool!")
Angel of Death
Cadaver-in-training
Cheese Guru
Consumer
Crash Test Dummy
Evil Genius
Evil Priestess
Evil Twin
Expert
Fountain of All Wisdom
Goddess of Love
Good Samaritan
Government Official
Horseman of the Apocalypse
Idiot Savant
Imaginary Friend
Jack of all Trades
King of the Wicker People	("I am ruler of all that I survey!")
Level 9 Wizard
Liberal Arts Major	("Do you want fries with that?")
Lion Tamer
Lovely Assistant 
Master of Cunning Subtlety
Master of the Universe
McDroid			("Do you want fries with that?")
Menace to Society
Mental Health Poster Child
Pretender to the Throne
Protocol Droid
Queen of Many Titles
Queen of the Demons
Ruler of all that I Survey
Serf
Straight Man
Spiritual Advisor
Spokesmodel
Village Idiot
Wordsmith (Cunning Linguist)
#