College Entrance Essay

	I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write aweard-winning operas, and I
manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days at
a time.
	I woo women with my sensuous and divine trombone playing, I
can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I can
cook Thirty Minute Brownies in just under twenty-one minutes. I am an
expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
	Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious fire ants. I play blue-grass cello. I was scouted
by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries and technical
reports. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back
yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I
repair electrical appliances free of charge for the homeless.
	I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy and
burlap evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I
receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the thousand
dollars on each of the local radio stations. Last summer I toured New
Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in botany circles.
Children love me.
	I can hurl axes at small moving objects with deadly precision.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I
know the exact location of every item in the local supermarket. I have
performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I
do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Bangladesh, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. I bungy jump from airplanes. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.
	I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, I compute, and my bills
are paid. On weekends, to let of steam, I compete in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to
write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only
a knife and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won
bull fights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and
spelling bees in Bangkok. I have played Hamlet, I have performed
open-heart surgery with a pen knife, and I have communed with Elvis.
	But I have not yet gone to college.