College Entrance Essay I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write aweard-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days at a time. I woo women with my sensuous and divine trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I can cook Thirty Minute Brownies in just under twenty-one minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious fire ants. I play blue-grass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries and technical reports. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge for the homeless. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy and burlap evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the thousand dollars on each of the local radio stations. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in botany circles. Children love me. I can hurl axes at small moving objects with deadly precision. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every item in the local supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Bangladesh, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I bungy jump from airplanes. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, I compute, and my bills are paid. On weekends, to let of steam, I compete in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a knife and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bull fights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees in Bangkok. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery with a pen knife, and I have communed with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. Back to Gallery of Funny Stories | Back to Gallery of Funny Stuff |
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