How To Be Annoying

			  How To Be Annoying

* Stand at the pizza bar eating the pepperonis off each slice.
* Articulate your belches.
* Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
* Drum on every available surface.
* Redefine a new user's computer prompt to say: SPANK ME.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
* Never flush, that others may admire your accomplishments.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
* Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork scratchings with your filet mignon au poivre.
* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
* If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
* The Beavis laugh.
* The Butthead laugh.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Wear your pants backwards.
* Decline to be seated at a diner, and simply eat their complementary mints (pieces of carrot cake) by the cash register.
* Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Why buy when they're everywhere for the taking?
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Leave little puddles on the toilet seat.
* Use perfume inserts from magazines as bookmarks.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question?
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"  "What?"  "Never mind, it's gone now."
* Bring a carrier bag of coupons to the grocery store and demand their total cash value.
* Order a hamburger without the meat.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their broccoli.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
* Speak only in a "robot" voice.
* Sit at the front of the conference room and clip your nails.
* Install only 20-watt light bulbs.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
* Cruise around the neighborhood listening to the Carpenters at top volume.
* At the wash'n'dry use one dryer for each of your socks.
* When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
* Leave random, clipped Ann Lander's columns on co-workers' desks, as if suggesting they could benefit from the advice.
* Insist on brushing your teeth every five minutes (KREB GRUP).
* Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
* Sniffle incessantly.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Freeze bugs in ice cubes.
* Vaguely insinuate that someone's toothbrush or comb was dropped in the toilet.
* Name your dog "Dog".
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Wander through the shoe department sniffing the merchandise.
* Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
* Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
* Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
* Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
* Practice hog calling in a tile bathroom.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
* When visiting someone's home, fish for change under their sofa cushions.  Elaborately display any embarrassing items you uncover.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Practice making fax and modem noises.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Stand outside the window of a restaurant and stare at people eating.
* Hang out every day at a waterbed store wearing an old Navy uniform.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
* Frequently become mesmerized by shiny objects.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Assure little kids that they can, in fact, be sucked down the bathtub drain.
* Spell your name strangely, such as Jhonne Psmythe, and sue those who misspell it.
* Throw the pasta into cold water.
* Throw the chips...I mean fries...into cold oil.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Pour your soup on your entre "as gravy".
* Chew your ice.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
* Write a check for 48 cents.
* Sing along at the opera.
* Frown, sniff the air, and ask someone, "Is that you?"
* Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
* Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
* Whenever a co-worker sneezes or coughs, make elaborate waving motions at them, and explain that you have a "gift of healing".
* Use inappropriate nouns as verbs.
* Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your (imaginary) friend.
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Write long, windy letters to the mailbag page of comic books.
* Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
* Roam the neighborhood digging for buried treasure.
* Crack your knuckles, neck, back, arms, knees, and whatever other of your appendages produce disconcerting noises.  Given a sufficiently rickety skeletal system, you may be ready to start again by the time you've finished them all once.
* Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Buy a toupe for your one-year-old.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Chug water from an empty vodka bottle.
* Give the phone number for Army Recruiters to dates you don't want to see again.
* Go to a musical jam, start several songs, then stop just before the chorus and announce "I guess I don't know that one either!".

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